Irregular Bacon: FF4 NES Part 1

Yes, such a thing exists, and today I shall play through it, posting screenshots and commentary along the way.
Here goes:
First up, the Title screen, nothing special there.

By the way, the option on the left is the one that starts a new game. Who'da thunk it?

Ah, yes, the airship. Firstly, why does Cecil use Kain's sprite here? I do like how they bothered to give the troops a portrait though. Also, the angle of the ship is wrong.

And then we get attacked by some Green bombs...

And somehow we end up in a forest fighting this thing.
Well, it's a pirate game, so it's not like it's supposed to make sense.

We also get a sweet NES rendition of the FF4 battle theme, too bad it only gets used during boss fights. (Since when did this part of the game count as a boss fight?)

Three more of these suckers later, and we arrive in Baron.

Apparently Baron used to be Conaria from FF1, 'cause they look exactly the same.

But I guess that's acceptable.

I'm guessing that text says "Castle of Baron" or something like that.

And we are greeted by a guy with one of the most awesome mustaches I've ever seen.

Seriously, that thing is dead sexy.

I forgot his name, so let's just call him Mr. Awesome Mustached Man.

King Baron, However, refuses to be upstaged by Mr. Awesome Mustache Man:

Behold! A handlebar mustache that makes even Hulk Hogan's 'stache tremble in fear!

And that mullet, wow.
Looks like Magus opened up a hair salon after losing his memory in CT DS.

Who would dare oppose such a fearsome mustache and mullet combo?

Oh, right. Luckily for our hero, Cecil, Kain shows up to save him from death at the hands of The King's mustache. And guess whose sprite he's using!

Why, Cecil's sprite, of course!

So, as punishment for Cecil's insolence/foolishness for opposing Baron's ideas, he and Kain are sent to deliver a ring to the city of Mist.

Cid shows up, using a Red Mage's sprite for some incomprehensible reason.

After hearing a long rant about what is probably Rosa being worried sick about Cecil and her giving him heck about it, or about airships or something, we go to look for Cecil's bedroom...

And it isn't there.

Oooookay, then, off to the overworld it is.

Ah, but who else but Rosa to interrupt our "adventure" with more loooong babbling that is likely some mushy romance-ish stuff around the lines of "I love you, don't get hurt or I'll never be happy again!".

Just like my Mom.

Thankfully, Kain appears and shuts her up.

Kain, why aren't you ever around when Mom does that?

Heading out of the castle, we're greeted with this:

And so, the loooong boring scrolling text scene is made even more boring by the lack of a background.

Anyway, setting out into the world, we find that the towns are merely decoration and have no purpose whatsoever.

Great.

Oh, and there's this guy from earlier in the castle I forgot to mention, I think he's supposed to be Namingway.

Unlike the real FF4 where Namingway is utterly useless, here he gives you a Phoenix Down.

Sweet.

But as in the real FF4, an ominous voice presumably says "Get out, get oooooout!"

He does this several times during the dungeon, which looks nothing like the one in the original.

Speaking of being nothing like the original, I don't think these Minotaur were anywhere in the original, maybe in FF 1, 2, or 3, but obviously not in 4.

Here's an enemy I recognize from FF3 (The NES one).

And here's some horse enemies that could be from FF2.

Aha, an exit!

But of course, a Mist Dragon is blocking the way.

You know what we do with Mist Dragons, don't you?

Strangely, it doesn't do that "Turn into mist so you can't hit it" thing.

It just keeps attacking with damage ranging from 5 to 15.

And your Damage Ratio is 2 to 5.
This is gonna take awhile.

One long and boring fight later...

I win!

I wasn't sure if I'd go through with this, but my mind is made up.

I SHALL beat this game.

After killing the Mist Dragon, our heroes finally arrive at the town of Mist.

What? Did you really think the Mist Dragon was called that because it was made of Mist? Goodness, no. That would make sense. We can't have that in this game, now can we?

So, you arrive with the Bomb Ring. I wonder why it's called a Bomb Ring?

Oh.

To make matters worse, that dragon you killed earlier was this girl's mom.

You just killed a girl's mom.

Obviously, she's none too happy about it, and sends Titan to kill you.

Even though he's completely naked, he still manages to beat you up.

And while he destroys the town, you somehow survive, and the girl is knocked out.

Deciding you don't want both mother and daughter on your conscience, you take the little tyke to a spirally tower.

And there's an Inn inside!

And who else but Mr. Awesome Mustache Man to show up!

Yes, that's him. I can tell because he has the same portrait. I don't have a screen-cap of that, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

After getting rid of him and his goons, The girl suddenly trusts you enough to not only tell you her name is Rydia, but to join you as well.

Remember how I said I liked how they gave the soldiers portraits? Turns out, they gave everybody a portrait.

No, really!

First, this cross-eyed Dolt.

Next, this ugly thing.

I think that if it's even human, it's likely a very bad cross-dresser.

And here's Bulma.

What're you doing here? Go be in a better game right now!

But they aren't crazy enough to draw portraits for each individual character, goodness no.

A somewhat loony example would be this.

Notice that they use the same portrait for a guy and girl.

Weird.

And here's another weird thing.

Sick Rosa using Edward/Gilbert's sprite. That just seems wrong somehow.

Anyway, if you want Rosa to look like herself again, we'll need the Sand Ruby/Desert Light.

I think this guy is telling you what I just told you.

And so, we head off to the Waterfall Cave.

Er, make that LAVAfall cave.
I better not touch any of that or else I'll...

Be completely unscathed.

Riiiiiight, anyway, moving on.

And of course, who else but Tella(h) to block the way?

After giving him my sob story, he softens up, and not only lets us through, but also joins the party.

And here's our first fight together, treasure this moment.

Oh, look. There's lava in our way.

Of course, we'll just waltz (or foxtrot) right on by.

They did make this one lavafall solid, though.

It's Octomamm! "You can call me Octomamm, Octomamm! And guess what? I love human fle- EEEEEEEEEEYAA!!"

There, he's dead. Moving on.

That is one sweet looking gate! Did they take it from a Zelda game or something?

Hmm?

Ah, right, they bombed it. Uhhhhh.. Oh no?

Keen gear! Look at this place! It's like a high-tech steam-punk fortress!

Oh, right, the tragedy. Um, sob?

And then our Spoony Bard, Edbert, as I shall call him, shows up.

Hey, they gave Edbert's soon-to-be-dead girlfriend a portrait too!

Now that's dedication.

Anyway, Miss Dead Girlfriend tells the party about Golbez(e), and Tella(h) goes to kill him on his own, leaving us with Edbert as his replacement.

Of course, Rydia's gonna melt this after she gets over her totally unwarranted fear of fire.

And the Sandlion's cave is somewhat leafier than I remembered.